Joke Thread

[Sandman42]

[OSUG1]

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush went to a fitness spa for some fun. After a stimulating, healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the men's room and they found a strange-looking gent sitting at the entrance.

He said, "Welcome to the gentlemen's room. Be sure to check out our newest feature, a mirror that, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be rewarded with your wish.


But, be warned: if you say something FALSE, you will be sucked into
the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for
all eternity!"


The three men quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, Bill Clinton stepped up and said, "I think I'm the most intelligent of
us three," and he suddenly found the keys to a brand new Bentley in his hands.


Al Gore stepped up and said, "I think I'm the most aware of the environmental problems of us three," and in an instant, he was
surrounded by a pile of money to fund his next Presidential Campaign.


Excited over the possibility of finally having
a wish come true, George W. Bush looked into the mirror and said,


"I think...," and was promptly sucked into the mirror.

ROTF, that was great dude.

[sroz39]

I've heard that one before OSUG, and laughed just as hard this time.

[WTF]

The teacher walks into the room and says... "OK class todays word is DEFINITLY, can anyone use the word in a sentence."

Little Susie stands up and say "The sky is DEFINITLY blue."

The teacher says; "Not true Susie, it can be blue, gray, or black, but nice try."

Little Johnny is in the back of the room and is waving his hands back and forth.

The teacher says " Yes Johnny, What is it?"

Johnny says " I have a question."

OK lets hear it, says the teacher.

Johnny says "Do Farts have lumps?"

The teacher says, "Well no they don't."

Little Johnny says "Well then I DEFINITLY just **** my pants!!!"

[WTF]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss one in the air, then catch it in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, the peanut fell into his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded only in pushing it in deeper. His wife tried to help, but after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful - isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?" The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"

[luv_mist]

I didn't make this up but it's kind of funny

Quote:

The Four Ghosts of the White House One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him Bush asks him, "George, what''s the best thing I can do to help the country?" "Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, and then fades away... The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?" "Respect the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight... The third night sleep still does not come for Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, "Franklin, What is the best thing I can do to help the country?" "Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into the mist... Bush isn''t sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Bush pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?" Lincoln replies, "Go see a play."

[rudyjuly2]

Quote: Originally Posted by daflyboys

An 8 year old boy and his 6 year brother awaken in their bunk beds early one Saturday morning. The 8 yo turns to his brother and says, "ok, today's the day we're gonna start cursin' around here! To start off, I'm gonna say "$hit" and you're gonna say "a$$". Nervously, the little brother says, "o-okay". So in a little while they both make their way downstairs to the kitchen where there mom has been anticipating their arrival for the morning meal. "Good morning boys," the mom sings, "what would you two like for breakfast?" The 8 yo replies with a surly look on his face, "aww, $hit, mom, I'll take some Corn Flakes!" Shocked, the mother quickly snaps back, "YOU MARCH YOURSELF RIGHT UP TO YOUR ROOM YOUNG MAN AND BE PREPARED FOR THE SPANKING OF YOUR LIFE!" Quickly, the 8 yo rushes up the stairs to his room without hesitation. The mother, then turns abruptly to the 6 yo and sternly asks, "WELL, what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" Nervously, the 6 yo replies, "well, you can bet your a$$ I don't want any of those Corn Flakes!"

I liked this one. WTF your peanut joke is good too.