Joke Thread

[bsb13]

Quote: Originally Posted by elprez98

I saw this when it was posted and I just got it 2 seconds ago.

lol, It took me a while to get it myself.

[tc23]

A husband and wife are laying down in bed and the hubby taps the wife on the shoulder. She says "not tonight I have to go to the gynecologist tomorrow and i want to be clean." So the husband turns over for a bit and about a half hour later he taps her on the shoulder again.

"I already told you not tonight" says the wife. The husband replies with " Yeah I know but do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

[tc23]

One night after watching WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLONAIRE.... a man and his wife went to bed and the man was getting very frisky. He asked his wife if she was in the mood. She said,''Not tonight dear. I have a headache''. The man replied, ''Is that your final answer?'' She said ''YES,'' The husband replied "OK, then I'd like to phone a friend''

[WTF]

:y4: Both of the last two are pretty good.

[skitch]

Haha, I liked them, too.

[Graphik]

I was dying while reading this:



Chili Cook-Off

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope
for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to
paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For
those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They
actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It
takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting
from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions
to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:


CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.


CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me
more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone
is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the
beer.


CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to
look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
aphrodisiac?


CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw them.


CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with
a snow cone.


CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment.
**I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be a
bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing it's too painful.
Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck
it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
if he's going to make it. Poor
feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report

[Beantown]

lmao. "If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach"

[sroz39]

The Army Camel

The head of a military battalion gets transferred out to a station out in the desert to head a new group of men. One of the young guys is showing him around, when he gets to a camel that has it's own tent. "This here camel, we use it when the boys get a little heated for a little love". The captain thinks to say something, but decides otherwise, knowing how lonely a man can get when on military duty.

A couple of weeks pass, and the captain is starting to long for some action. He didn't think it would come to this, but he goes into the tent with the camel. The same young man that was showing him around the first day is there. He watches as the captain takes his pants off, and proceeds to make love to the camel for hours on end. At the end of it all, exhausted, he asks the young man "Well how did I do? Is that how all you young guys do it around here?"

The young man replies "You did really good Cap, but usually the men just ride the camel into town where all the women are".