[JonInMiddleGA]

Okay, I started typing & decided I'd go back and add a preamble. I'm going to shoot from the hip (shocking, I know) with the understanding that I ain't judging nobody in anything I say and that I'm not offering any of it believing its anything more than "fwiw". I believe it's all quite sound or I wouldn't say it, but your mileage can certainly vary about that. There, preamble done.


Honestly, my first reaction is along the lines of "you'd be more delusional if you considered NOT letting him go off to college", unless you were looking to build up a lifetime of resentment that you'd never fully get past with him.

Most of the stuff you described here seems to fall within the range of "young and learning". Which is good, 'cause I don't see anything the red flags to me as "ain't ever gonna learn". He may not ever develop past where you are today, but I don't see anything that feels like a huge "oh shit, that'll NEVER improve".

Another big internal response while/after reading this was "damn, I sure know a lot of people who'd love to trade kid problems with you". I'm not saying that to diminish what a batch of headaches you have with him, but rather, I'm saying it that way because quite a few of those I thought about who'd jump at trading scenarios also happen to have kids who are doing pretty darned well in college at the moment. Having fucked up aspects of their lives doesn't necessarily mean the college experience can't be successful for them at the same time. Maybe "in spite of" certainly rather than "because of", but there's no guaranteed mutal exclusivity. You can be all amounts of fucked up in a variety of ways and still succeed in school, best I can tell.

Next on my list, a biggie: he IS going to fuck up while he's there. Whether it's overeating, drinking a few too many, struggling with being late to a particular class or simply not figuring out a particular professor's wants/likes as quickly as his GPA would be better for, he WILL fuck up somewhere/ something. And most likely more than one something ... otherwise you're having an exceptional parental experience.

I think back to something my own kid said not long after he got to college (we have a pretty wide open relationship, as most people here have kinda figured out) "How come you only figure out you've had one-too-many when you're at around two-too-many?" While I'd rather he just took my word for it I suppose, I don't know that I've ever been more certain that he was {gasp} learning some valuable shit at school than I was at that moment. It's like that scene in War Games where we see all the tic-tac-toe and then "What is it doing? It's learning"

Look, rules/goals/guidelines/whatever are not only fine & reasonable but almost a must. That said however, please try to remember that the end goal(s) are the thing you have to look at most of all, not the one-and-only-one path to get there. If he gains 35 pounds but you're seeing grade progress, seems like a fair enough trade off to me. If he's coping with all the side issues but the grades are a little off-pace, then maybe it's worth getting into specifics on how to give them a nudge upward instead of getting too hung up on "that's two C's, game over".

And, hey, maybe you're already on board with every single point I've mentioned here and just didn't feel the need to spell that out. That's cool too, I'm just winging it based on the request for thoughts.

Good luck to parents & student alike.